Welcome to my 'self-help, no bull' guide on how to be less shit.  This blog comes from my own feelings of abject shitness. We, you and I, are bonded by those feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness that are the default position for anyone alive today.

The question is, can we be less shit than we are?

I believe so.

*I've added a treat at the end of this blog because you'll need it. (see Cheese Scones for a Dirty Bitch)

But first it’s important at the outset to acknowledge that by reading this you are admitting to being less of a person than you could be.  This will be a realisation you have come to from social media and the countless podcasts pointing out that the perfect life is only a book away.  If you feel overwhelmed by the tsunami of self-righteous toss these indulgent cock mongers spew out on podcasts like Steven Bartlett's Diary of a CEO then you might be confused on what is right for you.  While interviewing five or ten gurus with the key to a better life is interesting, these rabid-money-grabbing snake-oil-sellers line up in their hundreds to plug their recipes for wealth and Wellness.  You, like me, might begin to suspect that they can’t all be right.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need to be cured of anything.  I just need to be a little less shit.  That would be enough.  That was the conclusion I came to in my Dirty Stupid Wisdom podcast episode titled ‘If I Were Me’. Go check it out. It’s educational.  And FREE.

Dirty Stupid Wisdom - If I Were Me.

The first step to improving yourself using my patented 'self-help no bull' technique is to know where you are starting from. I want you to read the following statements and accept responsibility for those that apply to you.

1.      Buying self-help books gives me the feeling that one day I’ll change.

2.      I only restrict my drinking if I know I’ll be on the piss later in the week.

3.      I would rather watch porn than do my tax return.

4.      When I want exercise, I break a bar of chocolate in half so I have to walk back to get the second bit.

5.      Masturbation helps me sleep.

6.      Crisps are one of my 5 a day.

7.      I wish I was younger or older.

8.      I joined a swimming club so I could watch bottoms underwater.

9.      When I go on holidays none of the rules, I set myself at home apply

10. Other people set my rules.

Good.  This short audit establishes a baseline for us to continue.  If you recognised yourself in more than three then you are a worthless piece of shit.  This is something you already suspected. Don’t be upset.  A lot of people are shit and don’t know it.  Those are the people who scored three or less.

We, all of us, regardless of our age, physique, nationality, gender, or beliefs are only achieving a fraction of our potential.  Our potential is boundless.  We know that because we’ve all seen Strictly. These reality TV shows where we witness transformation prove that all you need is time, money, and a really hot instructor to make the blind, deaf and the other dumb shits, remarkable. I offer none of that.  But then I’m not asking you to Foxtrot or dive off the high board or ski down a slope.  What makes us, you, and I, unique is that we are at a low bar.  We wake up feeling shit, do fuck all during the day of any consequence and go to bed in the middle of the night, only so we can wake up feeling shitter tomorrow.

Just last night I got up at three in the morning and made cheese scones because I saw someone do it on Instagram.  I ate two, not just because they were delicious, but because I’m a useless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve sleep.

Did you have aspirations as a child? Did you see yourself as a happy fulfilled adult surrounded by loving friends and family. Did you see yourself in a secure home, with a secure job leading to a secure retirement? Then you’ve really fucked up, haven’t you?

You are a long way from those childhood ambitions.

So far away that there isn’t a self-help book on this planet that can save you. Not because you are incapable of change. No.  You can still achieve remarkable things.  But you know as well as I do, that no matter what mountain you climb, time will pass, and you will return as the hapless shit you started from.

Achievements, like happiness, are short lived.  Being shit is our default state. Being a little less shit is the option I’m offering you. It’s attainable, no matter who you are. Yes, even you.  You pointless piece of crap.

Let’s start with affirmations. These are phrases that you will repeat to yourself again and again, to re program your subconscious mind. The changes will be subtle.  Don’t expect to go all Dalai Lama on day one.

I’ve assigned one for each day of the week. Repeat them to yourself louder than the internal voice that says you are crap.

MONDAY: I accept myself as I am

TUESDAY: Body odour is natural.

WEDNESDAY: It’s a long way to the fridge

THURSDAY: I’m not ashamed of my web history

FRIDAY: Failure is also an option

SATURDAY:  I am worthy of love.  My dog proves it.

SUNDAY: I’m better than yesterday

If you find a week too much to commit to just repeat SUNDAY.  Believing you are better than you were is the foundation of all self-help guidance.

 That concludes this first How to Be Less Shit blog.

Congratulations. You’ve invested in yourself today.

Sign up now to get your next instalment. Don’t miss out. You deserve to be a little less shit.

If you’d like me to focus on any particular aspect of shitness or you have your own remedy or tragic story of how shit you are then email me at ben@dirtystupidwisdom.com.

*Cheese Scones for a Dirty Bitch

1 cup of self raising flour

1 cup of grated cheese

3/4 of a cup of milk.

Mix

Divide into four scones.

Put on a baking tray.

Add extra cheese to top.

Bake in a hot oven or air fryer for 10 minutes (170 degrees)

Eat 3 now.

Have the last one in the bath.

DIRTY RITUAL

First, cut the scone in half.

Add cream cheese, tomato, avocado, and slices of sausage. Mucky bite it.  Let it spill down your chest into the suds.

You dirty bitch.